On Loneliness
Exploring how to get from loneliness to solitude
This Substack is a collection of stories and quotes around loneliness. Today I am valuing consistency over perfection - and sharing a skeleton of a piece that is not yet fully pulled together. Enjoy!!
Most people would rather choose an electric shock than to be alone with their thoughts.
“In 11 studies, we found that participants typically did not enjoy spending 6 to 15 minutes in a room by themselves with nothing to do but think, that they enjoyed doing mundane external activities much more, and that many preferred to administer electric shocks to themselves instead of being left alone with their thoughts. Most people seem to prefer to be doing something rather than nothing, even if that something is negative.” - The National Library of Medicine
One time when I was agonizing to my brother about how I felt like I was going crazy from so much alone time, he told me about this study - and it made me cackle. Suddenly I felt pretty good about myself and how much time I can practice being alone.
In my first quarter of living on this island, I went through times where I was so alone that I felt physically dizzy. One day in a desperate woe, I went to sit underneath a monkey pod tree at a park near my house. As I sat there, I watched a few elementary school girls show up with their soccer gear - racing each other to the field. After watching them play for a bit, I walked straight up to the coach: “Are you looking for more coaches?” He vigorously nodded, said that season starts next week, and gave me an email.
The start of soccer season was not comfortable. When I received my soccer roster, I felt panic. Hawaiian names are long and have so many vowels. How on earth was I going to show up on the first practice and not be able to say their names correctly?! I forwarded the roster to my 72 year old neighbor and friend. The next day, Sam and I sat on fold out chairs in his garage and he gave me Hawaiian language lessons. I scribbled as many notes as I could in my journal and rehearsed my lesson notes to myself the entire day before our first practice.
At the first practice, a mom looked at me confused and asked, “Wait, you don’t have kids on the team? You are doing this out of the kindness of your heart?” She gave out a loud, “HO!” and gave me such a big hug that it reminded me how alone I had felt.
Most practices were spent helping the girls tie their shoelaces and yelling “quiet coyote!” so that only one player would talk at a time. I first learned what shishi meant when a kid was squeezing her knees together and urgently yelped, “Coach, I need to shishi!!” Sadly, I learned what it meant a little too late and she had to go change her pants in her mom’s car.
That soccer season was electric. It brought so much into my life. And I would not have taken that risk of showing up to that space if I was sitting in the comfort of having familiar friends around or if I had had a partner at the time.
I think we are so fearful of loneliness that sometimes we use up all our energy proving to others that we aren’t alone. We distract and numb ourselves with scrolling and hanging out with people we don’t really like.
If you are currently experiencing overwhelming alone-ness in your life, I encourage you to embrace all the things that are possible within this season of your life - knowing it will not last forever. I encourage you to not fill your time with things you half-heartedly-like and see how it feels to spend quality time with yourself.
Quotes on loneliness
“And isn’t the great irony that loneliness is a highly communal emotion?
Every human knows it.”
“While loneliness is the distressing feeling of craving connection, solitude is the action of freeing yourself from other people’s input. Loneliness is draining; solitude is replenishing. The million-dollar question: how do we get from loneliness to solitude?
Author Ryan Jenkins has got an idea: “The difference between loneliness and solitude,” he writes, “is a plan.” I agree. It’s the act of deciding for yourself that a) you’ll go out to do something and b) knowing you’ll be alone.”
Thoughts written on a document in 2022:
I feel it most when I get into my car after a weird social experience. Maybe it’s because I don’t have anyone to text that I am on my way home or to update about how the day went. It is loud when I feel spent after an event and I just want to be blah with someone and be wrapped up in a hug.
In times of feeling overwhelmingly alone, I turn to the comfort of my writing.
I open an empty Word Document. I feel its familiar comfort. It’s always there, waiting for me. Luring me. I don’t have to wonder what it’s thinking or if I’m being a burden. I just have to open the screen, turn on my writing playlist, and spend some time poking at the keyboard.
In these quiet moments, when I turn to things that sing to my heart that require quiet time, it turns an empty moment into a sacred moment. It is my own. Just for me. It is a personal retreat: I pour my drink, turn on whatever music I want, put on whatever comfy outfit (or lack there of), and ease in. I begin writing, and it seems to comes from a place that is much greater than myself.
I am alone yet I feel wildly connected.
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Thank you so much for being here. See you tomorrow xxx